The Coaching Environment – Is It Safe?

This is part 2 of the series “Ingredients of a Successful Life Coaching Relationship.” If you missed Part 1, click here.

The Coaching Environment Is a Safe Place in which the Client Can Grow

If my clients are going to take huge risks in order to make significant changes in their lives they need to trust that they have a safe place from which to leave and return. A life coaching relationship is that safe place. One factor critical to a sense of safety is trust.

Good coaches show their clients they are trustworthy by showing up on time for calls/sessions and following through with their promises. We also empower clients with trust by holding them responsible for following through on what they say they want, without judging. My clients learn that I’m on their side, want for them only what they want, and trust them to get it. Trusting my clients’ wants provides them with a safe, encouraging environment from which to go forth and take on the huge life changes they want to make.

As your coach, I lay everything out on the table. You come to the sessions with no surprises. If you’re interested in a free introductory session, but aren’t sure if coaching is for you, click here to read my “Frequently Asked Questions” about life coaching.

Next Up: Truth Is Always Told

Whole Life Coaching?

For the next several postings, I will talk about what makes a successful life coaching relationship. From the way I have been taught and trained, the following components are significant contributors:

1. The focus is the person’s whole life.

2. The coaching environment is a safe place in which the client can grow.

3. The truth is always told.

4. The possibilities are limitless.

5. There is a reserved space, just for the client.

6. The relationship is soulful.

The focus is the person’s whole life.  I love hearing that! Let me expand on this type of coaching for this entry. Come back in the next few days, or subscribe to the feeds (or newsletter) to follow the other five components on the list.

Okay, the assumption is that clients don’t live their lives in boxes of work, health, relationships, and so on, even though they might say they do. Whatever is going on in one aspect of of clients’ lives impacts other areas of their lives. Does this ring true for you? C’mon now, I can see you nodding your head.

Frankly, I would be doing my clients a disservice when I help them excel in one aspect of their lives while ignoring the rest. From my training and experience, focusing on the whole-life is critical. This is why some of us call our work “life coaching” rather than business coaching, relationship coaching, transition coaching or some other title.

Usually, a good coach will always use some type of whole life assessment in their early sessions with a client. These whole-life assessments permits the coach to see how the client evaluates his or her level of satisfaction in significant areas of a balanced life, including career, health, finances, relationship, spirituality, personal growth (including intellectual and emotional), leisure, family, and continuing education. (see the Wheel of Life assessment, a free tool I offer, on the sidebar)

Clients simply benefit from acknowledging that they DO have a whole life. I often see clients who are stuck on one part of life, such as work, but blind to the other aspects of their lives and how they interrelate. When coaches help them see things from a whole-life perspective, clients are often amazed to discover how some pieces have been neglected or pushed aside.

You’ll note that the first coaching specialty I list in my core coaching area on my website is, you guessed it, Whole Life Coaching. Here it is.

Energy Drainers and Energy Gainers, Pt. 2

To read this blog entry in context, refer to Part 1.

Now that you’ve identified energy drainers both at work and at home from the first part of this exercise, it is important to choose consciously to have energy gainers in your life. These may fall in the realm of positive daily or weekly habits, such as exercise, prayer/meditation, or time with friends, family, and your spouse. Energy gainers are those things or activities that give you a charge of joy, fun, and passion, or peace and comfort. We often have these in our life, but they get pushed aside by the energy drainers! As you take care of your energy drainers, you now have time to choose energy gainers purposefully.

Make a list of those things that impact your life in a positive way. They can be things you do (or want to do more of), people you like to be around, or favorite aspects of your physical environment (artwork, music, an organized living or work space).

One of my clients gets energy in his work environment from having an iPOD stereo in his office, where he listens to a playlist of soothing smooth jazz. Perhaps you get energy from a morning job before the world wakes up, or from keeping a daily prayer journal in a special place in the house, with lit candles. Make a list of some energy gainers you’d like to bring into your own life.

ENERGY GAINERS AT WORK	ENERGY GAINERS AT HOME
1.	1.
2.	2.
3.	3.
4.	4.
5.	5.

Feel free to share in the comments what you discover!

Energy Drainers and Energy Gainers, Pt. 1

For those who actually completed the Life Balance Wheel assessment from the past post, congratulations! The next step is to look at what gets in your way of having a great life. Coaches call this process “de-cluttering” because it invariably involves the actual tossing out and cleaning up of clutter–all the stuff we save for years because we think we might need it someday–the stuff that clutters our closets, our garages, our offices, and our lives. It’s true, getting rid of clutter actually helps you gain energy in your life.

Energy Drainers and Energy Gainers

Energy drainers are those things (activities, habits, relationships, or clutter) that cost you energy. These are the items on your to-do list, procrastinations, piles of files, unfinished projects or anything else that you have not finished doing or dealing with. As each item is handled, you reclaim the energy that was attached to it. Then you have more energy to focus on what really matters. You can have more choice in your life.

Other places to look for energy drainers are in relationships (personal or professional) that have “unfinished business.” You might need to a “crucial conversation” to clean it up. You will regain energy when you do.

In coaching, we offer this advice: Do it, dump it, or delegate it. Look at the tasks at hand and the things you are putting up with, follow that wisdom, and complete anything that needs your attention.

ENERGY DRAINERS AT WORK	ENERGY DRAINERS AT HOME
1.	1.
2.	2.
3.	3.
4.	4.
5.	5.

Now, after you breathe a sigh of relief from identifying your list above, it’s important to go the extra step and choose consciously to have energy gainers in your life. That’s the good stuff. We will discuss that in our next blog entry.

A Coaching Tool: The Life Balance Wheel

This is one of the primary assessment tools I use when starting the coaching relationship with my clients. (click on image to download as a PDF file)

Using the Life Balance Wheel below, give yourself a score from 1 to 10 in each of the life areas. The hub represents your core values–each area interrelated in an ideal life. Use this coaching wheel as a way to assess the level of life satisfaction in each area. You may score it numerically to measure the improvement desired, or you may use it to have a coaching conversation about gaps between where you are now and where you would like to be. I’d be glad to help you.

After you assess your areas, ask yourself: What did I discover from this exercise?

Here’s a coaching tip: Identify three actions you will take in the next week to help you narrow the gaps and achieve what you want.

Want to see more free assessments? Click here.

We’re All Addicts

One thing that inhibits grace and its reach to set captives free is the “us vs. them” mentality that many churchgoers unconsciously project. If we think of addictive people as “those people” with the serious problems, unlike us who don’t “desperately” need God’s help, we sound a lot like those Bible Pharisees who thanked God that they were not like “those tax collectors.”

The founders of the Twelve-Step program rightly assessed that the core human sickness is addiction to self. We all tend to play God and try to get life, people, and even God to do our will. That’s why putting God at the center–doing his will only, moment by moment–is the key not only to successful recovery, but also to experiencing an abundant life.

So how do people become all God intended? How do pastors help greedy people become generous, divorcing people reconcile, sexually entangled people honor God, and addicted people find freedom? Do we need more Bible study, prayer, more frequent church attendance, more obedience, or community? All good things, yes, but Jesus said to Martha, who was busy doing lots of good things, “Only one thing is necessary. “

What is that “one thing”? Jesus tells us Mary was doing it–she was listening. The way we love God is by listening and responding moment by moment in constant connection to him. That’s why he said on his last day on earth, “I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” Stay connected, and fruit happens!

What are some practical applications for the church? Well, pastors can make a difference in the lives of their members by challenging them to truly abide moment-by-moment in Christ. It is a rigorous practice, and very unnatural to our sin nature, yes, but it’s how people change.

One of those challenges is the “60-60 experiment.” Members set a watch, cellphone or any other device with an alarm to beep every 60 minutes for 60 days to remind them to stay connected to God. Add to that lots of sticky notes & reminders around your home, car & office as additional reminders. This interrupts our habit of ignoring God most of our day. And this is not something for addicts only. I highly encourage anyone to do it. The results for those who go all out is usually astounding–to the point where men will stop looking lustfully at women and internet porn. Try it!

The only thing we must do is stay connected. But we don’t do this naturally, so creating the right environment in which we can best stay connected to God’s Spirit is critical. I’d love to help you. Contact me if you’re seriously considering a change.

Blessings,

Marcel

Clergy: Before Hangin’ It Up

By Marcel Schwantes

“Well, I’ve made up my mind. I don’t think I can do this ‘pastor thing’ anymore. I’ve done everything I can do and it’s time to move on. I’m going to resign on Monday!”

This is what a coaching client—a pastor of 15 years said emphatically on the other end of the phone call.

“Sounds serious. Those are some resounding conclusions,” I said.

“Yeah, I’m spent. I have nothing left to give.”

I could “hear” the exhaustion in the silence and sighs that followed.

“You mentioned you just can’t see how you could continue as a pastor. Well, what would you need to see to stay?” I asked.

“Besides a miracle? I’m just not seeing any results from the work we’ve put in.”

“What are you seeing, pastor?”

More silence. Wheels turning.

Perhaps you’ve been there. Over time, your vision for ministry fades, expectations go unmet, and you experience one discouragement after another.

These are moments in a pastor’s journey when they are perhaps most vulnerable—blinded by doubt, fear, anger, confusion and other emotions, including, “Am I in the right career?” Yet this is also a time when a pastor is most susceptible to being directed by the hands of God, with encouragement from strong mentors and a support system who will help them see clearly and objectively during this sensitive time. Remember that failure only comes when you quit. Therefore, before hangin’ it up, consider the best insurance against failure: perseverance!

I understand that some of you may be navigating some very blinding moments in your ministry. Rest assured, not all is lost! But if this is your case, here are some key coaching questions to help you gain greater clarity. Spend a few minutes reflecting on these. Be persistent. If you must, wrestle with yourself (or even  God in prayer and meditation) as  you gain greater awareness of yourself.

1. What are you asking God to reveal to you? What would you like the outcome to be?

2. On a scale of 1-10 what’s your current level of sight? One being totally blind and ten being 20/20 vision.

3. What have you done up to now to gain clarity?

4. What would you define as your call at this point in your ministry/leadership?

5. What do you see God doing right now? What do you sense He’s asking of you?

6. What obstacles do you feel are getting in your way?

7. Who do you know in your life that would be willing to help you get some clarity?

When NOT to Live Your Destiny, Part 4

This series was originally written by Tony Stoltzfus– a well-known author, coach and coach trainer who runs an on-line Christian coaching bookstore at Coach22.com. This is part 4 of 4.

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Here is the final often-overlooked principle that can indicate when in life it is time to hold our call lightly or even let it go:

When it becomes about you

Since by definition a calling is “from God, for others” your destiny is ultimately about helping other people. The whole reason you have a mission is to make a difference in the lives of those you are called to help. That means sometimes the program or the organization or the mission will have to take a back seat to the simply act of loving the people around us well.

When we are getting overly attached to pursuing our own destiny, or are making an idol out of our destiny, a clear warning sign is that the people we are supposed to help are ignored or even hurt in our pursuit of “the call”. For instance, the church that cycles through or burns out leaders is usually guilty of being overly focused on mission or programs, to the extent that the people cease to matter much. Another example is the father or mother who isn’t around for the kids because they are out saving the world, or the leader who will make ethical compromises to get the Kingdom work done. That’s not just being out of balance, it’s idolatry: we’ve given our allegiance to our dream or our sense of significance or following our passions instead of our master.

Just because you have a call doesn’t mean you should be running after it. Discern God’s timing and God’s method for bringing your life purpose to pass.

When NOT to Live Your Destiny, Part 3

This series was originally written by Tony Stoltzfus– a well-known author, coach and coach trainer who runs an on-line Christian coaching bookstore at Coach22.com. This is part 3 of 4.

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Here is the third of four often-overlooked principles that can indicate when in life it is time to hold our call lightly or even let it go:

When it’s time to sacrifice for your spouse’s calling

I read a book recently where a well-known, influential pastor recounted how he went to his wife one day and “informed her” (his words) that since no one else in a church cared for the senior pastor, he needed to get that care at home.  So he told her that she needed to let go of her own passion for ministry, stop leading and devote herself to taking care of him and the family.  It grieves me to see such a terrible distortion of the biblical mandate for husbands. The most important thing a husband is supposed to do is to “love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Instead of laying down our own dreams and passions for the sake of our wives, male ministry leaders have made it standard practice to expect our wives to do the laying down so that we can pursue what is significant to us.

What a contrast to the story of a pastor friend of mine. His wife had sacrificed for him to go to seminary, so later in life he promoted her dream of getting a degree by finding a job in the town where her preferred school was, and then moving clear across the country to where she found a job that fulfilled her destiny.  He spent several years substitute teaching and in other part-time jobs until he found a role that fit with his own calling.  I think that is a much better model of being a Godly husband.

Both partners in a marriage will be called on to make sacrifices for the other person’s call. You may have to put what you want on hold for a season to help promote your spouse. Or there may be times in life where one partner’s calling journey takes precedence over the other’s.  If you are married, that’s part of God’s plan for your life.

Next up:  When it becomes about you.

When NOT to Live Your Destiny, Part 2

This series was originally written by Tony Stoltzfus– a well-known author, coach and coach trainer who runs an on-line Christian coaching bookstore at Coach22.com. This is part 2 of 4.

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Picking up where we left off,  it may come as a surprise to hear that living your destiny is often NOT the will of God for your life.

Here is the second of four often-overlooked principles that can indicate when in life it is time to hold our call lightly or even let it go:

When you aren’t at the appropriate life stage

This may seem a bit harsh, but you will not enter into your convergent destiny role in your 20’s and possible even in your 30’s no matter how obedient and focused you are. At a younger age, you simply have not experienced enough to come into the fullness of what you are capable of. Again, God’s plan accounts for that. Everyone goes through a series of stages in the development of their call. Your twenties are the times to collect a wide range of experience; your thirties (and often forties) the season for inward refining. Overreaching for your life dream will not get you there any sooner! Relax, trust, and enjoy the ride.

Next up: When it’s time to sacrifice for your spouse’s calling.